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ARIES (March 21 - April 19>
Hit back at those who are trying to undermine your confidence. Take an agressive approach to criticism. Ignore all pacifistic instincts which get in your way. Vote Liberal.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20>
Maintain the status quo. Become slow to adapt, but be patient as this change may take time. Defend your aggressive temper; there's nothing others can do to hurt you after 5 tequilas shooters. Vote Rhino. Try to avoid axe-wielding lunatics.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20>
Rival may be beaten into submission. The more you attack, the more you strengthen your resolve. Saturn entering the house of Draconis in conjunction with Venus in occultation with the Moon will affect Jupiter's orbit, but shouldn't affect you. Really.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22>
Your desire will be highlighted by tomorrow's new Moon. Even if you have commitments to deal with, push them to one side. You will be irritable if your desire is not fulfilled; take at least a week off to satiate yourself. Vote NDP.
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22>
The hidden side of your personality is mysterious for a good reason. Be afraid (be _very_ afraid>
to examine the contents of you psyche. Planetary influences will change the emphasisof your neuroses. Remember, someone is always watching...
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22>
Have faith in your different outlook. Relationships needn't play an important role in your life; cats are your friends. Shun those who call you eccentric. After all, many famous people died as virgins ... Sir Isaac Newton, for example! Vote Bloc Quebecois.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22>
Even when you don't understand what's going on, stand in the way of progress. Democracy is your best friend; picket, picket, picket! By carrying different placards each time you walk by a building you can express not only your opinion, but also your democratic right to change your mind rapidly. Make sure to get someone else to order dinner for you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21>
Give priority to a long running domestic dispute. After all, if you didn't fight all the time, your partner might doubt you care! Your point of view is the most important, so take every opportunity to point this out to everyone. Avoid using kitchen utensils in manners for which they were not designed. Vote Reform.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21>
Drastic changes must be made in order to avoid discovery. A significant other of...err...one of your many "friends"...will threaten to alter your lifespan. You may be doing a lot of runnning soon, but on the bright side, this may dramtically augment you life. Consider investing in a boyfri_bullet-proof vest.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19>
Anything is to be encouraged today. Visit friends in jail, gifts, preferably sharp and metallic, would be appreciated. Dodge security cameras and grow facial hair (especially for female Capricorns>
. An invitation to a satanic ritual to be politely declined...particularly if you in any way resemble a chicken.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18>
Allow tension to degenerate into conflict. Blame others; especially blame others for what you should have done weeks ago. Procrastination may be your middle name, but it's hard to pronounce, so use nicknames like "low tension" or "patient" or the ever-popular "lazy". Vote Reform.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20>
The new Moon on the cusp of Pisces coupled with the Sun's joining with Mars in the house of Pisces indicates that you approach a critical juncture. At all times remember this crucial bit of advice: spatula and peanut butter. The rest will all fall into place.
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