Horoscopes

ARIES (March 21 - April 19) You want the glamour/honour of being a pioneer, but you lack the ability to be one. You look down on people; you have a bad temper; you are impatient; and you never listen to others' opinions. In fact, you have all the traits of a "little richie" (a person who lives off a really wealthy parent), but your father is poor, such a shame.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) You are persistent and determined. When you decide to do something, you will bully your way through to accomplish it. At the same time, you are very adaptive to changes, and you can deny anything you have said any time. Many people think you are barbaric and rude. Are you a communist?

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are very smart. You have personality, many personalities - schizophrenic. You have many friends because you "get along" with both sexes. However, you always want to get the most of your money, or in other words, you "give little" but "take a lot". People think you are cheap.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are compassionate. You care so much about other people that you forget about yourself. Even to this day, other than being an exceptionally nosy person, you have accomplished nothing.

LEO (July 23 - August 22) You think you are a born leader, but other people think you are bossy. You will beat up everyone who gives you an honest and objective opinion. Your "superiority" attitude makes people sick. You are selfish and you love money. Leos are usually thieves.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) You are optimistic and a very warm and friendly person. You will rely on fate with absolute belief since you have no talent. Virgos are usually alcoholics and hippies.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) In order to achieve balance, you weigh matters constantly. Your nickname is "stingy", and it also happens to be your real name. You love playing on the see-saw all by yourself - you run back and forth on it to seek balance until you are exhausted. You finally find balance - in the mental hospital, the split-personality department. Wish you happiness, wish you unhappiness.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) You are a very smart business person, hence you absolutely cannot be trusted. You will be very successful because you will use any means to achieve what you want. Most scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) You look at everything with a logical viewpoint. You always try to "pick bones from eggs" (you are very picky, you are a perfectionist), and you are always able to find some. Therefore you are hated by everyone. You are calm, cool, cold (emotionally), and you fall asleep kissing. You are such a cold person that you should be frozen.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) You are conservative and down-to-earth. You never take risks, so you do nothing. In other words, you are extremely lazy. There is never a Capricorn with much success or achievement. If you don't get up and go to the washroom occasionally, it is very easy for people to mistake you as dead.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) You are very creative, therefore you love to lie. However, you are extremely careless and impractical. You make the same mistake over and over again without realizing it. People think you are stupid, very stupid.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20) You are very imaginative, and you think that the police are always after you. You have absolutely no power or influence over your friends. Yours friends' comment of you is that "you can be ignored." You lack self-confidence and are a coward. Pisces are very cruel to little animals.

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