Five years into the program and no end in sight? Wondering if you can use your state pension to pay your tuition fees? This article spells out a simple, sure-fire way to graduate before the end of this year, straight into an exciting, well-paid job.

Why is there a problem in the first place? You're working twice as many hours a day as your contemporaries in Arts and Business Administration, how is it that they're out of here before you?

The problem is the Information Explosion. Every day, researchers discover new facts, invent new devices, and publish the details in scientific journals. Either they're wasting their time, or these facts are good for something. And if they're good for something, you should know them.

This is not a problem in other disciplines, such as Literature, which contain no facts, only opinions. You might think students of History would be in the same predicament, as history is getting longer every day; in fact, however, the most ancient historical facts are shuffled off into Paleontology at the same rate as new ones get added at the front end, so the sum of historical knowledge remains constant. Only scientists and engineers have to contend with an exponentially increasing syllabus.

What can be done about this? One solution is to tackle the problem at source: when you see a grad student or research assistant in the labs, urge them to take it easy. Take them down to the Pub and buy them a few drinks. Remember, the harder they're working, the faster the stack of facts grows.

Unfortunately, this will only lessen the burden for future generations. What about the vast body of facts already discovered, most of which you need to learn before you can graduate?

The key is, a new approach to learning. In the past, when your current faculty were in college, we did mostly learn facts: "Atoms are hard, indivisible bodies. There are ninety three kinds of atom, the first of which is named hydrogen,..." and so on. (Or, in the case of more senior faculty, "There are four elements, namely, earth, fire, air and water; and these by combination make up all things...") Then, sometime in the present century, a revolution in learning took place. The emphasis moved from memorising facts to learning concepts. This has the great advantage that there are many fewer concepts than there are facts, so it doesn't take so long to learn them all.

Unfortunately, the number of concepts has now grown to the point where they, too, have become unmanageable. It is now time for the second revolution in learning, where we go from learning concepts to memorising buzzwords. The buzzword is the intellectual equivalent of a vitamin pill _ all the essential content of a meal with the unpalatable roughage removed. The buzzword-based approach has two advantages: firstly, there aren't many of them. By the end of this article, we will have introduced most of the buzzwords necessary for you to pass as a professional engineer. Secondly, you don't have to understand them _ in fact, the less you understand them, the more glibly you can use them.

To illustrate the power of this approach, let us apply it to a few subjects from a typical engineering curriculum:

Computer Graphics: This is a difficult area, because its name is readily comprehensible _ everyone knows what 'graphics' means, it means drawing pictures. And the essence of the buzzword approach is to convey the impression that, while you understand the subject, it's far too technical for your listener to grasp. So don't say computer graphics; say 'GUI', 'CAD', or some other three-letter acronym. Any three letters will do. When you have this mastered, try longer acronyms, such as 'WYSIWYG'. The great thing with this one is to pronounce it as a single word, 'whizzywig'. You should practice this until you can slip it into a sentence without a pause. You don't need to know what it means, but you should remember that it is a Good Thing.

Solid Modelling: Here we are fighting against the listener's belief that this is something you do in first grade, probably involving lumps of clay. If you have to present yourself as an expert in this area, the two best phrases to know are 'Bee Rep' and 'See Eff Gee'. These are more or less interchangeable, as we can see from this sample dialogue:

"So, I see from your resume that you studied solid modelling. Tell me, how would you apply that to our new product line?"

"Well, I'd use a Bee Rep approach."

"That's interesting; the last SFU grad we interviewed said he'd use something else. ... See Eff Gee, I think he said. Why would you do it differently?"

"That's rather hard to explain at a non-technical level; I'd really need to have a CRT in front of me to get the idea across. It comes down to a question of database efficiency and interface issues."

Control Theory: Another difficult one; 'control' is a common enough term, lacking the high-tech aura one wants in a buzzword. To get round this, tack a qualifier on the front. Describing yourself as a specialist in 'adaptive control', 'nonparametric control', or 'metaphysical control' will tell the interviewer that you're someone to reckon with. If pressed for an explanation, say something reassuring but meaningless:

"Adaptive control is like a made-to-measure suit"
or
"Metaphysical control is like a pair of grey wool socks"
making it clear that you've dumbed it down to suit your listener's limited capacities, and that any further request for clarification will brand him as a hopeless ignoramus.

These examples should be sufficient to convey the power and simplicity of the buzzword approach. For subjects not covered here, just see your prof. on the first day of classes and ask him for his current list of buzzwords. Sprinkle them into your conversation, use them liberally in term papers, dazzle co-op interviewers with your high-tech fluency!

The buzzword is the intellectual equivalent of a vitamin pill -- all the essential content of a meal with the unpalatable roughage removed.