Maybe some of you have seen him around the lab. Perhaps in the hallways on his way to class. Possibly even in the pub getting drunk. But have you ever stopped to wonder what Chad Griffiths does for fun on the weekends? The picture below is just a small sample of the insane underground world in which Chad lives. In this exclusive interview, he takes us into his world, a world most of us would not even dare to dream of.

MATT: Thanks for granting us this interview Chad. If you don't mind, I'd like to start this with the picture you've given us. What is that all about?

CHAD: Sure Matt. The picture was taken a few months ago, at an exclusive club called the Swingin' Mama. It's a night club where people such as myself can get together and really relax. After being at school all week, I start feeling the pressure "Society" puts on me to be "normal." The Swingin' Mama lets me cut loose.

M: Uh-huh. How would you best describe yourself and what you do?

C: I'm a crazy man. There is nothing I love more than to just dress up in my favourite blue dress and hit the bars. I'm usually drunk, although I don't consider myself to be an alcoholic. It just helps me relax and be more sociable. You see, I am a very large man and people tend to fear me; they think I must be some kind of a bully. But I am really a gentle giant. I am a truly sensitive person. Dressing up like a woman lets me show the world on the outside, how I really feel on the inside.

M: What's your favourite drink?

C: A Silver Cloud. I could drink those all night.

M: Isn't that kind of a wimpy drink?

C: [chuckles] Do you want me to kill you?

M: Sorry. But don't you think dressing like a woman is kinda weird?

C: No, not at all. It's an arousal thing. Everyone does something different to get turned on. Wearing women's clothing gets my motor a'runnin'. Plus it allows me to use Secret under arm deodorant. You know, strong enough for a man ...

M: Do you still call yourself Chad when you're dressed like a woman?

C: No, see that's what's so great about all this. It's like a whole new, erotic identity.

M: So what do you call yourself then?

C: Penelope.

M: HAH! Penelope! ... Oh ... sorry ... that's a great name. I bet it attracts all the guys.

C: Matt, I'm not gay. Just because I dress like a woman does not make me gay. I wish people like you would quit assuming that. It gets me so mad I pop a falsie.

M: Well, if you aren't gay, then it must be difficult to meet women dressed up like women. Is there a Mrs. Penelope Griffiths?

C: Granted, I have been single for some time now. Actually, all my life. Women tend to find me rather frightening. Especially when I ask if I can borrow their lipstick.

M: What's the perfect woman for you?

C: One who knows how to cook. You see, I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. But I love to eat. There's a pub on Lougheed with real good 1/2 price food on Sundays. I think I want to marry the cook there. I'm not sure if the cook is a woman or a man, but the food sure is good ...

M: I see ... what's your favourite food?

C: All you can eat anything.

M: Uh ... yeah. So tell me more about the night life thing. What's the craziest thing that ever happened to you?

C: I remember one time I was at the Swingin' Mama and this little guy came up to me and wanted to dance. He was pretty short and skinny. I think his name was Jackson. Anyway, we were out on the dance floor, cuttin' a mean rug. Or at least I was. Jackson was all over the place, like he had no real control over his body. At one point he fell down onto the dance floor, and when he stood up, he was under my dress! So then he puts his mouth on my belly and starts blowing. It was making these loud farting sounds. Of course I was so drunk I thought it was funny, and so I held his head onto my belly and he just kept doing it. All the people in the Mama were laughing and pointing, and once again, I was the center of attention. The DJ even stopped the music and recorded the sound. Once in a while now they play those sounds and dedicate the song after it to Fartin' Penelope. That was pretty crazy.

M: What happened to Jackson?

C: Eventually I spanked him for being so naughty and sent him on his way.

M: I see. Well Chad, this has been fun, and I'd like to thank you again for this interview. I'm sure you'll open the eyes of many.

C: Well thank you Matt. Any time you're around the Swingin' Mama, drop by and I'll buy you a drinkee-poo.

NOTE: This is purely fictitious. Chad Griffiths was actually at a party where everyone had to dress as a member of the opposite sex. This was not meant to offend in any way Chad Griffiths, or any of the actual cross dressers in engineering such as Brendon Wilson. And a final note to Chad: This will teach you to put stickers on my truck.