HOROSCOPE

James Kerry - Staff Psycho

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Don't waste time doing homework this week. Planetary activity indicates that you are destined to fail all but one course unless you swill beer into unconsciousness during midterm week. For God's sake, don't try to face your "imaginary" fears. But don't worry, unless you fail to share your beer with Steve, you will pass 108.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

You function best in a peaceful environment but, oh well, there's always Coke. Try not to bull your way through your courses. A "friend" will refuse to let you copy his homework ... ask a handy Aquarius to punch him out for you.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

The stars indicate that potential relationships with an Aries, a Cancer, a Leo, a Sagittarius, a Pisces and three (!) Scorpios are about to come to a head. Find cover quickly! After about a week (or when you get really hungry) things should have returned to relative normal. Consider monkhood.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Jupiter in the house of Aquarius indicates a rare week of (relative) stability. Celebrate this occasion; it may not reoccur for months. A Leo at work will make a pass at you ... try not to laugh too hard. Avoid seafood sold by odd-looking people wearing trenchcoats and boxer shorts.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Flirt outrageously with everyone in sight. Pay special attention to redheads with a sense of humour. Solution to all of your problems may be summarized in one word: spatula. Avoid hot stoves and falling safes.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

Throw out all of your Barry Manilow collection if you ever hope to meet the opposite sex. A Capricorn will taunt you about the way you walk this week, so be prepared; OMA Hunting Supplies (675 E. Hastings) is open late Wednesday through Friday. Blood washes out in cold water. Avoid postal outlets.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

The cosmos clearly states that you are entering the most fertile period of the year. Get all of your gardening done. Watch out for athlete's foot. May I suggest using five condoms at one time? Strawberries may be hazardous to your mental health this week.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)

A Gemini will try to three-time you with two other Scorpios (and various other irrelevant individuals). Strike back! Put your heads together and devise vile torture involving a corkscrew and some olives ... the possibilities are mind-boggling. Will meet two friends with similar interests. Put off the sacrifice until full moon.

SAGITARRIUS (November 22 - December 21)

Avoid mean dogs and blondes named after the archdevil "Peter". Such encounters will result in excessive barking and carrying on. Avoid having your leg ... er ... "hugged". Make a decision and then waver incessantly.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

Negative planetary influences this week will lower your confidence, shred your self-security and make you realize that in this life you are completely alone. The world will spin, and then its colour will gradually seep away. Life will have no meaning. And then the lecture will end.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

You have the sort of tender, poignant, throbbing heart just waiting for a Scorpio to come along and rip out. Try to retrieve caution from the winds ... and get rid of that damned TRS-80.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

The time has come to make a lasting commitment. Such a momentous decision is placed before you. Choose PC over Mac. Decline Microsoft's generous offer of offical certification of Computer Geekhood.

"The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there." - Yasutani Roshi

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