Horoscopes

James Kerry, Staff Psycho

ARIES (March 21- April 19)

A Taurus and a Virgo will tell you this week that you talk far too much. When you ask all of your other friends if this is true, Aries, Sagittarius, and Scorpio will reluctantly agree, Gemini and Capricorn will just shrug and a Leo will say, "Who cares? Let's talk about me!" Your significant other will silence you with a kiss after the second hour of explaining how your day went.

TAURUS (April 20- May 20)

An opportunity to help out a friend will further your reputation. A Capricorn will ask you to tell someone that the Capricorn is madly in love with him or her. Put aside your shyness and ask. A provocative date will ensue. No bull!

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

This week your writing career will take a significant upturn. Brush up on your entrepreneurial skills. A short, annoying Oriental man will insist in a thick accent that you "Caam to my seminah ..." if you want "fast cahs and gorgeeus bronde wimen." Offer to him the wonderful business opportunity of Amway; peace will be restored almost immediately.

CANCER (June 21- July 22)

You will make a very important presentation this week. Don't over-prepare; remember to relax. An excellent technique is to arrange to have an acquaintance ask prepared questions. Then shoot him. Ketchup looks a lot like blood. Alternatively, use blank overhead slides and pretend that they contain intricate diagrams.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

[Actual excerpt from the Vancouver Sun horoscopes...and you thought my stuff was weird?!! - J.] "Plan sweet romance at home ... Families expand, start tonight. An overambitious project leads to burnout: Hire an assistant [I'm not kidding! -J.] to stay on track...[use] big business tactics..."

VIRGO (August 23- September 22)

The deeply emotional Moon is in the house of Jupiter this week ... tea and biscuits will be served, all are invited. Planetary influences somehow balance exactly this week, leaving your life a dull, colourless, pointless exercise. Dogs will mistake you for a tree (or a hydrant for short Virgos).

LIBRA (September 23- October 22)

Go with your instincts. Run in fear from all threats this week. Another Libra will kick your sorry butt. Remember the ancient words of wisdom from Lao-Du: "Hiding head in sand gets you itchy scalp." Your cat will be annoyed when you pre-empt him at the litter box.

SCORPIO(October 23- November 21)

A Taurus will claim that "a friend" is interested in you. Go along with this extremely lame attempt at a cheap date; invite out to coffee in order to discuss "the friend's" better attributes. Be explicit; Taurii embarass easily. You will also attend a class sometime this month. Don't be concerned if the prof doesn't recognize you; one class a month is easily sufficient for an A.

SAGITARRIUS (November 22- December 21)

After (successfully) attempting to manufacture explosives in Chem lab, you will be encouraged into an alternative career. This will begin an inevitable downward spiral; your income will plummet, as your grades soar like a lead helicopter. You will end up selling carpets somewhere in Iraq. Name your monkey 'Abu', start questing for lamps.

CAPRICORN (December 22- January 19)

A Scorpio will look very interesting this week, but avoid all personal risk! Instead ask a friend (Taurus is an easy sign to bully) to ask him or her out for you. Admit nothing. When in doubt, run away...run away!!

AQUARIUS (January 20- February 18)

Remember your priorities! Mercury in the house of Cancer suggests you entertain the following list, in order of importance: Beer, sleep, food, beer, watching TV, playing TV, beer, laundry, beer, beer, wine, beer, and homework. A space alien disguised as one of your professors will inquire into your health; your only escape is to turn 5 quick circles, while reciting the mantra of protection, "I am a cucumber."

PISCES (February 20- March 20)

You are about to make a pact with Satan. The juxtaposition of the Piscean planets indicates that the best time to sacrifice the chicken is 12:03 (AM, PST) November 17. Make sure to use your Wiltshire Staysharp Sacrificial KnifeÖ. When the Beast of Zuggwuvl rises, you will be granted a wish. This is all true, or may I be struck down by ... ^L^K010001

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